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I still can't believe I told Matt about my sexual yearnings and seeing and watching those porno clips. I couldn't get them out of my head, but now that I think about it... I don't really see them, but I see Matt there. Maybe... it's true about letting off your burdons with just telling someone, and Matt... it didn't seem to change much on how he looks at me. All he did was listen and asked me litlte questions...

I love him so much...

I told him tank you as I said goodnight, and i really meant it. he may not have understood it, but it has special meaning behind it.

-Ashley

P.s. I hope he's alright, with all that stress... great grandpa died yesterday...

Artists I need to find: Cradle of Filth, Epica, Cell Dweller, Sonic Syndrome, Night Wish

Matt is so amazing! Yesterday night he came and had our night together for about an hour... but we have all our lives together for that I feel so alive with him. He makes me feel things I could never feel with anyone else. I felt different too, more open with him than anything, but I was still a little hesitant with my word. But I made him laugh and it just made me go crazy for him in a way.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 -- 11:00 AM

Cindy just received news that they are moving Ron toTrinity Mother Francis Rehabilitation Hospitalin Tyler today. We will post his Room Number and other pertinent information as we get it. Please continue to remember Ron in your prayers and he moves to a new place and rehabs at a different level. As we continue to remember -- God's Timing is Always Perfect!

niin siinä vaan käy. tosin siellä on niin halpaa (lähes kaikki levyt alle 100kr eli alle 10e), että aika paljon pitää ostaa, jotta meen vararikkoon sen takia.

tänään tosiaan taas pyörin kaupungilla jonku viis tuntia.. käväisin jopa satamassa (tai siis ei se kai mikään satama ollut, mutta jossain rannassa missä oli laivoja). sitten etin yhden kirppiksen, josta oli juttua sellaisessa englanninkielisessä göteborg-lehdessä. se kirppis oli aikalailla kuin uff, eli vaatteet oli ilmaiseksi lahjoitettuja luullakseni, ja näin ollen ei mitenkään kovin kummoisia. kuitenkin ihan käymisen arvoinen paikka. sitten vaeltelin långgataneita pitkin ja hagassa muutenkin. se on sellaista vähän niinku vanhaa kaupunkia. kapeita kujia ja pikkuisia putiikkeja paljon. se on ihanaa seutua! siellä ois varmaan paljon kaikkia kivoja kahviloita, joihin mennä! mut koitan nyt säästää pari päivää niin että rahat riittää maanantaihin asti kun tulee tuki.. maksoin meinaa tänään vuokran (reilu 350e), niin alkoi tili näyttää vähän surkeammalta..

vaatekauppojahan täällä sitten on myös niin miljoonia. joka kulman takana tietty h&m. mutta myös paljon kaikkia mistä ei suomessa olla kuultukaan. ja alennusmyynnit on just loppumassa, joten ostettavaa löytyis.. oon nyt kuitenki onnistunu vähän hillitsemään.

kävin tänään myös kaupunginkirjastossa. siellä on melkoiset hyllylliset suomenkielisiäkin kirjoja. vois ehkä hankkia kortin, jos niitä ulkomaalaisille myönnetään. en vaan jaksanu vielä, ku olin ihan puhki siinä vaiheessa, koska suunta oli kohti kotia.

facebookista löytyy jotain kuvamateriaalia kaupungilta. tosin aivan kökköjä otoksia ja turhista kohteista. en vaan kauheesti pidä sellaisesta kameran kanssa ympäriinsä tähtäilemisestä keskellä kaupunkia..

tänään tuli postissa toinen tenttikirjakin. siinä on pelottavan paljon asiaa. huoh. jotenki ei oo vielä oikeen tajunnu, et pitäs kai opiskellakin täällä jossain vaiheessa... nooh, kaippa se tästä. jos vaikka alottas tänään. jepjeeeeep...

mieliala: puolipositiivinen

musiikki: disco ensemble - videotapes

Today was pretty friggin boring.. hell, the whole weekend was pretty boring. Being that i got kicked out of my LVN program.... i was also kinda depressed..

I got some retail therapy at Lake Elsinore outlet mall. I bought some cute slip ons and a pair of Reef flip flops with a built in bottle opener from the shoe warehouse.. they rocked so hard.. and how can you beat 9.99 a pair?! I mean, really! That made me feel good, granted it was only temporary, but i'll take whatever i can get.

I decided on taking some classes at Miracosta college. It'll fullfill my requirements for offsetting the price of the LVN program at concorde. and will also fullfill my requirements when i do the LVN-to-BSN program too.

Steven called me for a hot second to check in, i guess. He comes home tomorrow but i probably wont see him for a while regardless. he's leaving again on the 4th for 3 days.. and then again on the 13th i believe. He said he wanted to fly me out to SD for the weekend, but he hasnt talked about it so who knows if it'll still happen. But i'll definitely be able to do it since i'm not in the nursing program anymore.

I think i might go to vegas this weekend to visit melissa. I havent told steven yet, but i'm sure he wont really care. if he's not on call, he might want to come with.

WHY do I do this? I was unsure of what to do about Cory but I knew somewhere deep down that I wanted to see him so after my chiropractor appt WED. night (23rd) I went to his house, with the intention to stay. We went out to supper, it was nice but he seemed distant. He didn't seem distant when we got home and got BUSY! AGH! So, I thought everything was good. Then I was going to go home Sat. night... I ended up stopping at Jay and San's for supper and stayed too late so I went back to spearfish rather than going all the way home. BAD idea!!! He was out with his friends, came home a little after 11pm after he had had a few drinks and was all wanting to "get some" SO, stupid me I gave in. I felt so slutty... I don't know why, it's not like he would totally use me but... guess because I felt so guilty that we weren't really even "together" and we were having "casual sex" which I know God is NOT okay with! So, I felt guilty.

THEN Sun. morning, we talked for quite awhile, I really wanted to know what was up with us, where we stood. He kind of acted unsure at first. THEN, he grabbed me, looked right into my eyes and with a sincere look (for him) said, "I love you enough to be a family with you and the boys" NOW, mind you, he didn't add the "Forever" part in there and didn't sound so sure that he knew, that he knew, that he knew... BUT, thought that was start.,, then5 min. later he tellsme that some lady (come to find out it wasRenee) has been pursuing him since we've been broke up~!He said, he told her NO that he was trying to figure things out with me and didn't want to complicate things! BUT- I really think deep down he wants to just give hera whirl,,, just to see what the grass is like on the other side! Even though he didn't alude to that at all!

So,then I wrote him an email just to try to confirm some things and figure stuff out andjust make sure all is clear... I was under the impression we were "BACKtogether in a casual sort of way" working on our issues but planning that WE WILL BE aFAMILY some day,,,,

So i am a first time user. I just signed up today, and i think this little online journal will be fun.

So here i am, now that i have a journal i am speechless, how stupid is that, before joining this site i would have had plenty to say.

Hmm, I suppose i could talk about how this past week was. Well this past week wasn't the best. Me and my boyfriend split up on Monday, Tuesday we talked about possibly getting back together and well it didn't happen.But Wednesday things got a bit better. I had to cheer for him at his basketball game though, that was kinda tough. But i love cheering, so i went out there forgetting all the bad stuff, and cheered my little ass off. Thursday i was sick. And well Friday was great, i started to finally get over the split up for good and started talking to some other guys. And then Saturday was just plain old boring. Stayed home, and relaxed.

So that was my week. If i have anything more to say, i will be back on later.

Love, Emily Renea